Padre Pio to Compete in Beijing Olympics?

The clever lads at Creative Minority Report have penned an Onionesque gem about what would happen if the Communion of Saints were allowed to field a team for this year’s Olympics:

Padre Pio has been announced to take part in the Marathon, one of the most renowned sports of the Olympics but many athletes are complaining that Padre Pio’s gift of bilocation will aid greatly in showing up at the finish line.

Said one runner: “Let’s face it. The guy’s not in great shape. He’s old. He’s constantly bleeding but because he can bilocate…I mean that just doesn’t seem fair. I could be miles ahead of him and then…boop…there he is in front of me at the finish line.”

Pio not only guaranteed a win in the Marathon but said if he wanted he could compete in several other races at the same time but his legendary humility prevented him from showing off.

Find the complete list of saints with unfair Olympic advantages at CMR.

-Matt Swaim

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